Well, I messed up. And it was small, and not at all the end of the world.
I had my usual flax seed and yogurt breakfast, peanut butter on fruit slices instead of bread for lunch, two small oranges for a snack, and a big plate of tasty roasted veggies for dinner. Everything was on plan. I wasn't hungry, though I did have another snack planned for later.
And then I got the bright idea to make my boyfriend a milkshake to help deal with his stress. He's not an especially emotional eater and is nowhere near overweight. I suspect my inner fat kid really wanted me to see and smell the ice cream so I'd tell myself that just one bite would be okay.
And I did.
Fortunately, the stuff tasted disgustingly sweet. I have never been the kind of person to dislike very sweet foods, so this is a first for me. I did take a couple of bites, but in the end I'm kind of proud because this is the first time I've been able to stop a binge. In the past I would have inhaled the rest of the ice cream, scoured the freezer for more, poured myself a tall glass of soda, and called around to find out what pizza places are open.
I have had mild cravings for pizza and fast food all day. I'm definitely eating enough calories (I'm aiming for anything below 1600 and coming in around 1400 most days), but I think I'm low on protein. I ran out of chicken breast and have been relying on dairy and peanut butter, and I think I need to go pick up some beans and meat tomorrow.
The good news is that I am still under my calorie limit for today, and will be even if I decide to have that snack later! That's the best (almost) binge I've ever had if you ask me.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Emotional Eating Again
It happened again this morning. I was irritated, and I shoveled down my yogurt with flax seeds without thinking. I felt nauseous afterward again; I think it's mostly dairy products I have to really try hard not to eat too quickly. Not that I should eat anything fast, but it's the dairy that gives me this really icky feeling.
Maybe it will help to talk about what's bothering me, and this is my blog anyway, so I'm going to go ahead.
I don't live alone. I'm in college, and I share a rented room with my boyfriend. There are five other bedrooms in the house. A friend of the landlord lives in one and collects our rent. He's very nice and I like him a lot, but he's not the best at setting down the rules or dealing with what's bothering the renters. I understand, I would be the same way, but it gets irritating. Another housemate is very quiet but friendly enough when you run across him, and he's out all day so he doesn't bother anyone.
The three other rooms, until recently, were taken by a bunch of friends who loved to have loud parties two or three nights a week. They'd drink and play beer pong and listen to music right outside my bedroom door until five or six in the morning. This was really stressful, especially since they would never listen if anyone asked them to turn it down. I was happy when they finally all moved out.
I got a friend to take one empty room, and she's moving in in two weeks. The landlord's friend found someone he knows too, someone who is quiet and respectful. Things were looking good, until the third new resident moved in.
I'll call her Mary - I don't want to use her real name. She is nice enough, but she just doesn't match up with the rest of us. She's probably in her mid-twenties, but every day since she moved in she has had her mother and several friends over moving stuff around, inspecting the house and complaining about it. No one else has ever brought their parents in for more than a minute to help move in their stuff. Maybe it's not that much of a big deal, but we're all adults, and it makes me uncomfortable to have someone's parents walking around all the time.
Apparently they do not think the kitchen is clean enough, which really hurts since I've put in hours cleaning over the past few weeks and no one has helped. Mary, her mother, and a friend, went out to buy tons of cleaning supplies and told me not to help them clean, then said that they are going to create a chore schedule for the rest of the house. I don't like that at all. The rest of us are comfortable with the usual cleanliness level of the kitchen (which is really not bad, there are a couple dishes in the sink and the floor could use mopping), plus none of us use the kitchen equal amounts of time or on a set schedule, and some of us have physical limitations that make certain chores harder.
Worse, the three of them brought over someone's four-year-old kid and let him run wild with anything he finds, including the balls and cues from the expensive pool table. I just want to go out there and tell him that is not a toy! They also brought over another dog for some reason, in addition to Mary's dog which barks loudly all day long when she's gone and scares my cat. She also wants to park her car in the garage, which means everyone storing stuff there will have to move it and I will have to move my car every single time she wants to leave the house.
None of this is too terrible in the end, but I think it is understandable that I am irritated when I expected all of my housemates to be mature and self-sufficient, not to mention to take care of their pets. I'm sure we will all work it out somehow, and I feel better after typing this.
I really hope I can do better with the emotional eating next meal. I was even tempted to eat the icky leftover ice cream I mentioned a few days ago when I opened the freezer. I guess I'm more easily triggered than I thought.
Maybe it will help to talk about what's bothering me, and this is my blog anyway, so I'm going to go ahead.
I don't live alone. I'm in college, and I share a rented room with my boyfriend. There are five other bedrooms in the house. A friend of the landlord lives in one and collects our rent. He's very nice and I like him a lot, but he's not the best at setting down the rules or dealing with what's bothering the renters. I understand, I would be the same way, but it gets irritating. Another housemate is very quiet but friendly enough when you run across him, and he's out all day so he doesn't bother anyone.
The three other rooms, until recently, were taken by a bunch of friends who loved to have loud parties two or three nights a week. They'd drink and play beer pong and listen to music right outside my bedroom door until five or six in the morning. This was really stressful, especially since they would never listen if anyone asked them to turn it down. I was happy when they finally all moved out.
I got a friend to take one empty room, and she's moving in in two weeks. The landlord's friend found someone he knows too, someone who is quiet and respectful. Things were looking good, until the third new resident moved in.
I'll call her Mary - I don't want to use her real name. She is nice enough, but she just doesn't match up with the rest of us. She's probably in her mid-twenties, but every day since she moved in she has had her mother and several friends over moving stuff around, inspecting the house and complaining about it. No one else has ever brought their parents in for more than a minute to help move in their stuff. Maybe it's not that much of a big deal, but we're all adults, and it makes me uncomfortable to have someone's parents walking around all the time.
Apparently they do not think the kitchen is clean enough, which really hurts since I've put in hours cleaning over the past few weeks and no one has helped. Mary, her mother, and a friend, went out to buy tons of cleaning supplies and told me not to help them clean, then said that they are going to create a chore schedule for the rest of the house. I don't like that at all. The rest of us are comfortable with the usual cleanliness level of the kitchen (which is really not bad, there are a couple dishes in the sink and the floor could use mopping), plus none of us use the kitchen equal amounts of time or on a set schedule, and some of us have physical limitations that make certain chores harder.
Worse, the three of them brought over someone's four-year-old kid and let him run wild with anything he finds, including the balls and cues from the expensive pool table. I just want to go out there and tell him that is not a toy! They also brought over another dog for some reason, in addition to Mary's dog which barks loudly all day long when she's gone and scares my cat. She also wants to park her car in the garage, which means everyone storing stuff there will have to move it and I will have to move my car every single time she wants to leave the house.
None of this is too terrible in the end, but I think it is understandable that I am irritated when I expected all of my housemates to be mature and self-sufficient, not to mention to take care of their pets. I'm sure we will all work it out somehow, and I feel better after typing this.
I really hope I can do better with the emotional eating next meal. I was even tempted to eat the icky leftover ice cream I mentioned a few days ago when I opened the freezer. I guess I'm more easily triggered than I thought.
Emotional Eating
I always thought I wasn't an especially emotional eater. I knew I tended to not want to spend time cooking and lean toward comfort foods when under stress, but I never realized how easily my emotional eating is triggered until today.
It was a simple argument, nothing especially painful or harsh, but it didn't turn out the way I wanted and I couldn't do anything about that. I thought I accepted it and dealt with the stress gracefully, but then I sat down to dinner.
My dinner tonight was a big salad with mixed fruit slices and mini cheese snacks on the side. Although I've been eating at a normal pace all week, I found myself shoveling the food in quickly. I couldn't seem to stop myself.
And although I was eating my delicious, healthy homemade food, I wondered several times if it would be okay if I ordered pizza, or how soon my next meal out would be. The thoughts were fleeting and I wasn't really wanting or craving any of it, but it was there.
I felt nauseous by the end of dinner and didn't want to eat anymore, which was impressive since I very rarely feel incapable of eating. Hours later, I still feel full and slightly queasy from my eating speed.
Next time I find myself trying to finish a meal in two bites after a stressful situation, I think I will give myself time to cool down and have a cup of tea before eating. I would have really liked to enjoy my food tonight, and I'm sad that emotional eating got in the way of that.
At least I know what to look for now. It's tough to be this self-aware!
It was a simple argument, nothing especially painful or harsh, but it didn't turn out the way I wanted and I couldn't do anything about that. I thought I accepted it and dealt with the stress gracefully, but then I sat down to dinner.
My dinner tonight was a big salad with mixed fruit slices and mini cheese snacks on the side. Although I've been eating at a normal pace all week, I found myself shoveling the food in quickly. I couldn't seem to stop myself.
And although I was eating my delicious, healthy homemade food, I wondered several times if it would be okay if I ordered pizza, or how soon my next meal out would be. The thoughts were fleeting and I wasn't really wanting or craving any of it, but it was there.
I felt nauseous by the end of dinner and didn't want to eat anymore, which was impressive since I very rarely feel incapable of eating. Hours later, I still feel full and slightly queasy from my eating speed.
Next time I find myself trying to finish a meal in two bites after a stressful situation, I think I will give myself time to cool down and have a cup of tea before eating. I would have really liked to enjoy my food tonight, and I'm sad that emotional eating got in the way of that.
At least I know what to look for now. It's tough to be this self-aware!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Why I DON'T Want to Lose Weight
There are tons of reasons to lose weight. The list goes on forever: for health, for strength, for energy, for freedom from the urge to binge, to look better in your clothes and fit into smaller sizes, to be socially accepted, to get the hot girl or guy to notice you. I probably have a hundred reasons to lose weight, but the real problems I need to get past are the reasons why I DON'T want to lose weight.
That's right, being fat has some great benefits, and it's scary to let go of those as I see myself dropping pounds. These reasons are what keep the snack foods going into my mouth. These reasons are why the scale doesn't budge or, good heavens, goes UP when I think I'm trying so hard. I will never maintain a healthy weight unless I can let go of this stuff.
Here are the three biggest reasons I don't want to lose weight.
1. None of my clothes will fit.
Dropping ten or fifteen pounds will just make my uncomfortably tight clothes fit again, but what happens after that? What happens when I've lost thirty pounds and my pants puddle around my ankles while my shirts and dresses drown me?
I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe or even more than a couple quality staples. But let's be honest here: if I can afford pizza delivery two or three times a week and fast food or Starbucks every other night, I can sure as hell afford a handful of new (or used, for that matter) shirts and pants.
Still, it's going to be scary when my favorite outfits just won't fit anymore no matter what I do. I am worried about the cost involved, both financial and emotional. I am so used to hiding behind both my fat and my big baggy clothes, and soon I won't be able to do that anymore.
2. I can't binge anymore.
I know I will be able to fit in any particular treat I feel like once I have lost the weight. I can still have a Frappuccino as long as I order a small one with skim milk. I can have one or two slices of pizza. I can have a small order of fries.
But I won't be able to go nuts and eat everything in sight anymore. My stomach will simply not have the capacity to go to two or three fast food places in a row or eat a whole pan of brownies, and besides that, fresh veggies and fruit will have changed my tastes enough that I don't even want sugary, greasy foods.
This is terrifying because that means I will no longer have any way to get the pleasure of lazing around with all the food I want. I will no longer get that deep satisfaction of being full with so many yummy things. Or worse, I will have to find a different way to make myself happy.
The rational part of me knows that after I am done dropping the weight, I will stop needing the feelings that come from a binge. I'll break the habit. But every second along the way, I struggle with the thought that I may never feel that total relaxed happiness again.
3. I will have to remake my whole identity.
I've been fat or at least very chubby my entire life, from babyhood on. You know how I mentioned hiding behind my fat earlier? That's what I've done all these years instead of bothering to develop a real personality around everyone I know. I have few friends and many acquaintances, and they all know me as "the quiet, shy fat girl".
Part of me is excited about how confident and outgoing I'll feel when I am thinner, but I won't magically gain self-esteem just because I am thin. I'll have to work on it, and that means putting in time and taking risks. I will no longer have a safety net of fat as an excuse if I behave awkwardly in a social situation. I, instead of my fat, will be accountable for all my actions.
I don't just give up and binge because I'm lazy or lack willpower. I don't "forget" to exercise because I'm absentminded or slothful. Those can contribute to the problem, but in the end I have a good laundry list of issues that kick in when I'm feeling a craving and tell me I'd better eat up because I have plenty of good reasons to stay fat.
The difference between those times and now is that I recognize those voices for what they are. I know that my desire to be fit, healthy, confident, and attractive is greater than my fear of change and my lust for comfort.
I may not be perfect, I may give in sometimes, but I really understand what I'm up against now. I'm not just fighting against my fat body and tasty food. I'm fighting against me.
So, what's keeping you fat?
That's right, being fat has some great benefits, and it's scary to let go of those as I see myself dropping pounds. These reasons are what keep the snack foods going into my mouth. These reasons are why the scale doesn't budge or, good heavens, goes UP when I think I'm trying so hard. I will never maintain a healthy weight unless I can let go of this stuff.
Here are the three biggest reasons I don't want to lose weight.
1. None of my clothes will fit.
Dropping ten or fifteen pounds will just make my uncomfortably tight clothes fit again, but what happens after that? What happens when I've lost thirty pounds and my pants puddle around my ankles while my shirts and dresses drown me?
I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe or even more than a couple quality staples. But let's be honest here: if I can afford pizza delivery two or three times a week and fast food or Starbucks every other night, I can sure as hell afford a handful of new (or used, for that matter) shirts and pants.
Still, it's going to be scary when my favorite outfits just won't fit anymore no matter what I do. I am worried about the cost involved, both financial and emotional. I am so used to hiding behind both my fat and my big baggy clothes, and soon I won't be able to do that anymore.
2. I can't binge anymore.
I know I will be able to fit in any particular treat I feel like once I have lost the weight. I can still have a Frappuccino as long as I order a small one with skim milk. I can have one or two slices of pizza. I can have a small order of fries.
But I won't be able to go nuts and eat everything in sight anymore. My stomach will simply not have the capacity to go to two or three fast food places in a row or eat a whole pan of brownies, and besides that, fresh veggies and fruit will have changed my tastes enough that I don't even want sugary, greasy foods.
This is terrifying because that means I will no longer have any way to get the pleasure of lazing around with all the food I want. I will no longer get that deep satisfaction of being full with so many yummy things. Or worse, I will have to find a different way to make myself happy.
The rational part of me knows that after I am done dropping the weight, I will stop needing the feelings that come from a binge. I'll break the habit. But every second along the way, I struggle with the thought that I may never feel that total relaxed happiness again.
3. I will have to remake my whole identity.
I've been fat or at least very chubby my entire life, from babyhood on. You know how I mentioned hiding behind my fat earlier? That's what I've done all these years instead of bothering to develop a real personality around everyone I know. I have few friends and many acquaintances, and they all know me as "the quiet, shy fat girl".
Part of me is excited about how confident and outgoing I'll feel when I am thinner, but I won't magically gain self-esteem just because I am thin. I'll have to work on it, and that means putting in time and taking risks. I will no longer have a safety net of fat as an excuse if I behave awkwardly in a social situation. I, instead of my fat, will be accountable for all my actions.
I don't just give up and binge because I'm lazy or lack willpower. I don't "forget" to exercise because I'm absentminded or slothful. Those can contribute to the problem, but in the end I have a good laundry list of issues that kick in when I'm feeling a craving and tell me I'd better eat up because I have plenty of good reasons to stay fat.
The difference between those times and now is that I recognize those voices for what they are. I know that my desire to be fit, healthy, confident, and attractive is greater than my fear of change and my lust for comfort.
I may not be perfect, I may give in sometimes, but I really understand what I'm up against now. I'm not just fighting against my fat body and tasty food. I'm fighting against me.
So, what's keeping you fat?
Monday, July 26, 2010
About my weight
I know it sounds like I'm lucky and must not have a lot to lose at around 150 pounds, so I thought I'd write up a bit of backstory on my weight.
First of all, I am quite short at 4'11". That means that at 150 pounds, I am obese. As soon as I hit 148 pounds even, which may happen tomorrow, I am out of the obesity range.
However, there's still a long way to go. I will still be overweight until I hit 124 pounds. I have spend almost all of my adult life just overweight at 125 - 130 pounds, always thinking my life would be perfect if I could drop ten, but I couldn't stop indulging in fatty foods and binging. So my weight went up.
I haven't been 124 pounds or lower in two years. This time last year, I was hovering around the early 140s, which is a pretty uncomfortable weight for me. The first time I hit that weight in June 2008, I'd been feeling heavy and sluggish and growing out of my clothes. I noticed my arms were flabby, my stomach stuck out too far, and I was sprouting a double chin. So I hopped on the scale, which wasn't a regular habit for me, and was horrified to see 142.
I dropped the weight quickly but unhealthily, through starving myself and "fasting". I binged weekly, but by the end of summer I was down to 120 and ecstatic.
Something happened though. I was so weak I could barely move, and it seemed like my body refused to budge past 119. I couldn't starve myself another day. I ate and ate and ate, with brief periods of trying to diet in between. Within a year I had eaten myself into obesity.
So, my first mini-goal is 142 pounds, back to that weight where I don't feel comfortable but I know I'm on my way down.
My second goal is 132, where I know my favorite jeans will button again.
Then 124, where I will no longer be overweight.
And then what? I know I will not be happy with my body at 124. I have a small frame and not much muscle, and can't build more for medical reasons. I will still be overfat at 124. So how low do I go?
I'm not sure. In high school I weighed 115, and I was still very flabby. At my height, I can drop down to 92 pounds before I am underweight, but besides being extreme, I don't think I could maintain that.
So after 124, my next goal is 115 to check out my old high school weight. And if things are still going well, I'd like to aim for 104, and a healthy BMI of exactly 21. I have not weighed that little since I was a fat elementary school kid, and I get the feeling it'll look better on me now that I'm a foot or so taller.
If my ultimate goal is 105, that means I have 50 pounds to lose from my highest weight, and just over 44 from my current weight.
Now I'm off to enjoy my healthy evening snack of string cheese, sliced veggies, and tea. I'm well on my way to my goals, and loving (almost!) every minute of it.
First of all, I am quite short at 4'11". That means that at 150 pounds, I am obese. As soon as I hit 148 pounds even, which may happen tomorrow, I am out of the obesity range.
However, there's still a long way to go. I will still be overweight until I hit 124 pounds. I have spend almost all of my adult life just overweight at 125 - 130 pounds, always thinking my life would be perfect if I could drop ten, but I couldn't stop indulging in fatty foods and binging. So my weight went up.
I haven't been 124 pounds or lower in two years. This time last year, I was hovering around the early 140s, which is a pretty uncomfortable weight for me. The first time I hit that weight in June 2008, I'd been feeling heavy and sluggish and growing out of my clothes. I noticed my arms were flabby, my stomach stuck out too far, and I was sprouting a double chin. So I hopped on the scale, which wasn't a regular habit for me, and was horrified to see 142.
I dropped the weight quickly but unhealthily, through starving myself and "fasting". I binged weekly, but by the end of summer I was down to 120 and ecstatic.
Something happened though. I was so weak I could barely move, and it seemed like my body refused to budge past 119. I couldn't starve myself another day. I ate and ate and ate, with brief periods of trying to diet in between. Within a year I had eaten myself into obesity.
So, my first mini-goal is 142 pounds, back to that weight where I don't feel comfortable but I know I'm on my way down.
My second goal is 132, where I know my favorite jeans will button again.
Then 124, where I will no longer be overweight.
And then what? I know I will not be happy with my body at 124. I have a small frame and not much muscle, and can't build more for medical reasons. I will still be overfat at 124. So how low do I go?
I'm not sure. In high school I weighed 115, and I was still very flabby. At my height, I can drop down to 92 pounds before I am underweight, but besides being extreme, I don't think I could maintain that.
So after 124, my next goal is 115 to check out my old high school weight. And if things are still going well, I'd like to aim for 104, and a healthy BMI of exactly 21. I have not weighed that little since I was a fat elementary school kid, and I get the feeling it'll look better on me now that I'm a foot or so taller.
If my ultimate goal is 105, that means I have 50 pounds to lose from my highest weight, and just over 44 from my current weight.
Now I'm off to enjoy my healthy evening snack of string cheese, sliced veggies, and tea. I'm well on my way to my goals, and loving (almost!) every minute of it.
One more diet bullet dodged
Imagine my horror when my friends scheduled a trip to Cold Stone Creamery!
If you're not familiar with the place, it's an ice cream shop with tons of neat flavors, and you can get all kinds of stuff (fruit, nuts, sprinkles, brownies, candy bars) mixed in with your scoop. I was not happy about this because even a small plain scoop of ice cream has somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 - 400 calories and I knew it would do nothing but make me want more, or wish I could have a bigger serving in a better flavor.
So, I told them I don't like ice cream, which is true enough. I'm not a big sweets person. I appreciate chocolate and eat cake and brownies for the carbs, but I would take a slice of good bread over ice cream any day. It is just not worth the calories for me.
Everyone felt bad that I haven't been participating in the ice cream and milkshake runs, but I know it's for the best.
The one big problem is that my boyfriend got a HUGE waffle cone with brownies and sprinkles mixed in, ate maybe a tenth of it, and shoved it in the freezer. I KNOW I am going to go and eat it all if he doesn't get it out of there soon, and he'll get mad if I throw it out. He's the kind of guy who always wants to buy ice cream and never eats more than a couple spoonfuls, so it sits and gets gross and icy and freezer burned unless I eat it all. In the past few months I've finished three or four pints of ice cream for him even though he never gets flavors I like.
I will just have to deal with it. It will be hardest tonight after dinner, when my inner fat kid comes out and starts whining for treats all the way up to bedtime, but she really needs to learn to quiet down already. I can do this!
If you're not familiar with the place, it's an ice cream shop with tons of neat flavors, and you can get all kinds of stuff (fruit, nuts, sprinkles, brownies, candy bars) mixed in with your scoop. I was not happy about this because even a small plain scoop of ice cream has somewhere in the neighborhood of 300 - 400 calories and I knew it would do nothing but make me want more, or wish I could have a bigger serving in a better flavor.
So, I told them I don't like ice cream, which is true enough. I'm not a big sweets person. I appreciate chocolate and eat cake and brownies for the carbs, but I would take a slice of good bread over ice cream any day. It is just not worth the calories for me.
Everyone felt bad that I haven't been participating in the ice cream and milkshake runs, but I know it's for the best.
The one big problem is that my boyfriend got a HUGE waffle cone with brownies and sprinkles mixed in, ate maybe a tenth of it, and shoved it in the freezer. I KNOW I am going to go and eat it all if he doesn't get it out of there soon, and he'll get mad if I throw it out. He's the kind of guy who always wants to buy ice cream and never eats more than a couple spoonfuls, so it sits and gets gross and icy and freezer burned unless I eat it all. In the past few months I've finished three or four pints of ice cream for him even though he never gets flavors I like.
I will just have to deal with it. It will be hardest tonight after dinner, when my inner fat kid comes out and starts whining for treats all the way up to bedtime, but she really needs to learn to quiet down already. I can do this!
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Dinner
I did manage to resist the milkshakes mentioned earlier, and we had a great time. I didn't feel very deprived or jealous until the very end when my boyfriend was scooping the last bits of cookie out of his cup with the straw, but by then it was luckily too late!
Later on, it was time to make dinner. Even though I am trying to eat whole foods instead of packaged diet foods, I picked up a few frozen veggie steamer packs and Lean Cuisines for those inevitable nights when chopping veggies just feels too hard. I want to save them for when I really need them, but I've been dying to try one of them and decided to go ahead and have it.
My main issue with frozen stuff is that it usually has way too much sauce. I have to rinse off the veggie packs after cooking to get most of the nasty fake butter sauce off, then reheat it. I guess I'm lucky that I don't like heavy sauces. I always envy people on weight loss plans who can say "Oh, I really don't like pizza" or "Fast food doesn't tempt me at all," but I guess my own personal dieting benefit is that I don't like much sauce or dressing on my food, and I downright despise mayonnaise. I know there's someone out there who can't stomach a salad with half a serving of dressing or hates the taste of a sandwich without mayo, so I should feel lucky.
I was going to post a mini-review of the meal I had tonight, but I think I'll do that separately and link back here. Overall though, it was pretty tasty and filling for the size. I'll probably be buying these again, though it will be a two-or-three-meals-per-week treat.
Can you imagine how proud and satisfied I was to see my Lean Cuisine box sitting in the trash next to my friends' milkshake cups, especially knowing I could have eaten five of that meal for the calories in a shake? Making the right choices really does feel good!
Later on, it was time to make dinner. Even though I am trying to eat whole foods instead of packaged diet foods, I picked up a few frozen veggie steamer packs and Lean Cuisines for those inevitable nights when chopping veggies just feels too hard. I want to save them for when I really need them, but I've been dying to try one of them and decided to go ahead and have it.
My main issue with frozen stuff is that it usually has way too much sauce. I have to rinse off the veggie packs after cooking to get most of the nasty fake butter sauce off, then reheat it. I guess I'm lucky that I don't like heavy sauces. I always envy people on weight loss plans who can say "Oh, I really don't like pizza" or "Fast food doesn't tempt me at all," but I guess my own personal dieting benefit is that I don't like much sauce or dressing on my food, and I downright despise mayonnaise. I know there's someone out there who can't stomach a salad with half a serving of dressing or hates the taste of a sandwich without mayo, so I should feel lucky.
I was going to post a mini-review of the meal I had tonight, but I think I'll do that separately and link back here. Overall though, it was pretty tasty and filling for the size. I'll probably be buying these again, though it will be a two-or-three-meals-per-week treat.
Can you imagine how proud and satisfied I was to see my Lean Cuisine box sitting in the trash next to my friends' milkshake cups, especially knowing I could have eaten five of that meal for the calories in a shake? Making the right choices really does feel good!
Wow.
I am so proud of myself right now. I've just dodged two major diet bullets.
First, my boyfriend wanted to go to Starbucks. I admit I'm the one who mentioned it and got him all excited. I was desperately craving a java chip frappuccino. I kept telling myself the light one is only 110 calories, but of course I don't really want the light one. I want the large one with whole milk, whipped cream, and extra chocolate chips. So I told myself I didn't really want it and he was convinced not to go out. I still do want it, but with no one to drive me I'm not getting it.
Then, the friend who's coming over called and offered to stop for milkshakes.
My first thought was: Okay, I'm giving in. I can start again tomorrow.
But if I do that I know I'll think the same thing tomorrow and the next day, and regain the few pounds I've lost and more.
I refused. It's going to be tough sitting around when two people are slurping on big, delicious, creamy shakes, but I looked up the nutrition facts of the one I would've ordered, a small mint cookies n' cream shake.
It has one thousand calories.
I'm not kidding. It has 34 grams of fat too. I'm a little disgusted - I could eat almost two whole pints of ice cream for that. Hopefully this revulsion will last long enough to get me through the night until those damned shakes are out of my house.
First, my boyfriend wanted to go to Starbucks. I admit I'm the one who mentioned it and got him all excited. I was desperately craving a java chip frappuccino. I kept telling myself the light one is only 110 calories, but of course I don't really want the light one. I want the large one with whole milk, whipped cream, and extra chocolate chips. So I told myself I didn't really want it and he was convinced not to go out. I still do want it, but with no one to drive me I'm not getting it.
Then, the friend who's coming over called and offered to stop for milkshakes.
My first thought was: Okay, I'm giving in. I can start again tomorrow.
But if I do that I know I'll think the same thing tomorrow and the next day, and regain the few pounds I've lost and more.
I refused. It's going to be tough sitting around when two people are slurping on big, delicious, creamy shakes, but I looked up the nutrition facts of the one I would've ordered, a small mint cookies n' cream shake.
It has one thousand calories.
I'm not kidding. It has 34 grams of fat too. I'm a little disgusted - I could eat almost two whole pints of ice cream for that. Hopefully this revulsion will last long enough to get me through the night until those damned shakes are out of my house.
Delicious diet, and cravings
I have really enjoyed my food today. I had a light breakfast of string cheese and dried apricots and weighed in at 149.6 pounds (down 2.4 already). For lunch, I stir fried some of the salad from last night in olive oil and had it with a sliced organic Granny Smith apple and an Asian pear. It was all delicious and satisfying.
But then I was discussing plans for this afternoon with a friend, and she mentioned that she was going to grab some food before coming over. My nasty habits kicked in and I practically begged her to go out for fast food with me - after all, if you're out with a friend it's excusable, right?
I used to do this all the time. In high school I had a friend who would always stop for McDonald's chicken nuggets when we went out. I would pretend I didn't want anything, but he knew me well enough to get extras to share. We'd eat tons of nuggets with dipping sauces and then I'd go home and have a snack before dinner, and a dessert after.
During previous weight loss attempts I'd always feel sabotaged when my skinny friends went to buffets or ordered Pizza Hut pan pizza. I'd go along, sigh heavily, stuff my face, and come home to eat more. I really thought it wasn't okay for me to order differently. It didn't occur to me to eat beforehand to fill myself up with healthy food, because I was in the habit of eating junk anyway when I was full of healthy food. I even posted on message boards about my problem with friends' eating habits and was hurt when most of the replies told me to take responsibility for myself.
I hate that everyone feels like time with friends means eating out, but I should be happy to have friends who understand that sometimes it's better for your health and wallet to eat at home. Time with friends should be for socializing and having fun, not feeding a food addiction and indulging in unhealthy habits.
Today, I resolve to enjoy my visit without feeling like I need to direct us to the nearest drive through every ten minutes. Wish me luck!
But then I was discussing plans for this afternoon with a friend, and she mentioned that she was going to grab some food before coming over. My nasty habits kicked in and I practically begged her to go out for fast food with me - after all, if you're out with a friend it's excusable, right?
I used to do this all the time. In high school I had a friend who would always stop for McDonald's chicken nuggets when we went out. I would pretend I didn't want anything, but he knew me well enough to get extras to share. We'd eat tons of nuggets with dipping sauces and then I'd go home and have a snack before dinner, and a dessert after.
During previous weight loss attempts I'd always feel sabotaged when my skinny friends went to buffets or ordered Pizza Hut pan pizza. I'd go along, sigh heavily, stuff my face, and come home to eat more. I really thought it wasn't okay for me to order differently. It didn't occur to me to eat beforehand to fill myself up with healthy food, because I was in the habit of eating junk anyway when I was full of healthy food. I even posted on message boards about my problem with friends' eating habits and was hurt when most of the replies told me to take responsibility for myself.
I hate that everyone feels like time with friends means eating out, but I should be happy to have friends who understand that sometimes it's better for your health and wallet to eat at home. Time with friends should be for socializing and having fun, not feeding a food addiction and indulging in unhealthy habits.
Today, I resolve to enjoy my visit without feeling like I need to direct us to the nearest drive through every ten minutes. Wish me luck!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Surprise Noodles
The day has been pretty good foodwise. I woke up late so I had some leftover salad with chicken breast and honey mustard for breakfast. I wasn't hungry again until dinner time, so I had a bigger meal than usual -- a fruit and protein shake and some stir-fried spinach and tomatoes. I planned for a big snack later on and just ate a yummy bowl of Asian salad.
But while I was preparing it, I got a surprise. I thought the Asian salad mix I bought yesterday was just thinly sliced veggies with a packet of dressing and almonds. When I opened it, I found myself face-to-face with one of my greatest fears: chow mein noodles!
I should have thrown them away, but they were mixed with the almonds. I had a serving of them in my salad figuring they were already included in the calorie count for the mix, and it was delicious. Of course, that was not enough.
I have already been back twice for a little pinch, but I can't keep giving in to my inner fat kid. She will "pinch" the whole bag away, and it does not seem like much, but already the taste is triggering cravings I've been avoiding for days, for greasy fried rice and (for some reason) big warm fattening chocolate chip cookies.
There's no way for me to get any of that stuff, but I might as well not make myself suffer. I am going to have my second planned serving of the salad, but I am going to give the noodles away.
...
Okay, done.
I'm not happy to report that I ate some of them, but the majority are never going to touch my lips. I sat and picked the almonds out of the bag with the fat kid telling me every second to just shove them all in my mouth or dump them into the salad.
When I was done, I had a pile of noodles that probably totaled 50 - 100 calories.
That's nothing, right?
Wrong. It's that 50 - 100 calories, times a few hundred or thousand, that I'm carrying around on my body. It's that little portion of treat that I tell myself is okay day after day, that snack that triggers cravings for something worse. The cabbage tasted great at first, but after a bunch of noodles my fat kid is whining at me to eat around the vegetables and get at the "good part".
The funny thing is that after I gave the noodles away, I wanted to eat out of the stress of avoiding food. I began to cram the salad in my mouth before realizing this. It really is a vicious cycle, isn't it? Our cravings wear us down until we give in.
I think tomorrow I am going to have nothing but raw and cooked vegetables and fruits and tea - no sauces or dressings, no meat or nuts, no condiments except for a little olive oil if I need it. Then if that goes well, I'll eat raw fruits and veggies for the next two days. I feel like I need some detox to break myself of the desire for binge foods and really start to enjoy the way fresh food tastes.
But while I was preparing it, I got a surprise. I thought the Asian salad mix I bought yesterday was just thinly sliced veggies with a packet of dressing and almonds. When I opened it, I found myself face-to-face with one of my greatest fears: chow mein noodles!
I should have thrown them away, but they were mixed with the almonds. I had a serving of them in my salad figuring they were already included in the calorie count for the mix, and it was delicious. Of course, that was not enough.
I have already been back twice for a little pinch, but I can't keep giving in to my inner fat kid. She will "pinch" the whole bag away, and it does not seem like much, but already the taste is triggering cravings I've been avoiding for days, for greasy fried rice and (for some reason) big warm fattening chocolate chip cookies.
There's no way for me to get any of that stuff, but I might as well not make myself suffer. I am going to have my second planned serving of the salad, but I am going to give the noodles away.
...
Okay, done.
I'm not happy to report that I ate some of them, but the majority are never going to touch my lips. I sat and picked the almonds out of the bag with the fat kid telling me every second to just shove them all in my mouth or dump them into the salad.
When I was done, I had a pile of noodles that probably totaled 50 - 100 calories.
That's nothing, right?
Wrong. It's that 50 - 100 calories, times a few hundred or thousand, that I'm carrying around on my body. It's that little portion of treat that I tell myself is okay day after day, that snack that triggers cravings for something worse. The cabbage tasted great at first, but after a bunch of noodles my fat kid is whining at me to eat around the vegetables and get at the "good part".
The funny thing is that after I gave the noodles away, I wanted to eat out of the stress of avoiding food. I began to cram the salad in my mouth before realizing this. It really is a vicious cycle, isn't it? Our cravings wear us down until we give in.
I think tomorrow I am going to have nothing but raw and cooked vegetables and fruits and tea - no sauces or dressings, no meat or nuts, no condiments except for a little olive oil if I need it. Then if that goes well, I'll eat raw fruits and veggies for the next two days. I feel like I need some detox to break myself of the desire for binge foods and really start to enjoy the way fresh food tastes.
Night Binge
A weird thing happened last night.
I was sleeping happily after doing okay with food all day. I could've done better, but I had fruit for breakfast, a big grilled chicken salad with about a half serving of low fat dressing for lunch, and two slices of pizza (as opposed to my usual three with a whole bag of breadsticks) for dinner. I felt full.
Then I found myself gobbling ice cream from the freezer with literally no recollection of how I got there or decided to start eating.
Maybe I didn't have enough calories yesterday. I didn't want to eat anything else after the pizza, even if it was healthy, but I would've sworn I wasn't hungry.
Maybe it's just that I went shopping yesterday and didn't buy anything unhealthy except the little pint of ice cream for my boyfriend. When I go shopping, I usually get myself a few kinds of binge food and spend the night eating them -- cookies, chips, cake, rolls, crackers, anything full of carbs and fat. I didn't do that this time, and I always feel deprived after I skip a grocery store binge.
This worries me a little. It's happened before. I'll be eating healthy for a couple weeks and then wake up to find my face in a bowl of sugary cereal with whole milk.
But the important thing to remember is that one slipup isn't that bad. Sure, it sucks that I can't choose or fully enjoy what I mess up on, but the half pint of ice cream I ate was only about 340 calories. I stopped there, even though I could have gone on to eat the rest of the container and thousands of calories of Coke and chips and bread.
Even better, I managed to avoid eating the leftover pizza for breakfast, and I am determined not to give in. If no one else eats it by the end of the day, I'm throwing it out.
So, I choose to be proud of what I accomplished instead of ashamed of what I didn't. It's not "okay" to eat pizza and ice cream all the time, but it's great that I stopped myself and cut back.
And guess what? When I got on the scale this morning, it read 151.6. That's down 2.6 pounds from my starting weight (154.2) yesterday.
I was sleeping happily after doing okay with food all day. I could've done better, but I had fruit for breakfast, a big grilled chicken salad with about a half serving of low fat dressing for lunch, and two slices of pizza (as opposed to my usual three with a whole bag of breadsticks) for dinner. I felt full.
Then I found myself gobbling ice cream from the freezer with literally no recollection of how I got there or decided to start eating.
Maybe I didn't have enough calories yesterday. I didn't want to eat anything else after the pizza, even if it was healthy, but I would've sworn I wasn't hungry.
Maybe it's just that I went shopping yesterday and didn't buy anything unhealthy except the little pint of ice cream for my boyfriend. When I go shopping, I usually get myself a few kinds of binge food and spend the night eating them -- cookies, chips, cake, rolls, crackers, anything full of carbs and fat. I didn't do that this time, and I always feel deprived after I skip a grocery store binge.
This worries me a little. It's happened before. I'll be eating healthy for a couple weeks and then wake up to find my face in a bowl of sugary cereal with whole milk.
But the important thing to remember is that one slipup isn't that bad. Sure, it sucks that I can't choose or fully enjoy what I mess up on, but the half pint of ice cream I ate was only about 340 calories. I stopped there, even though I could have gone on to eat the rest of the container and thousands of calories of Coke and chips and bread.
Even better, I managed to avoid eating the leftover pizza for breakfast, and I am determined not to give in. If no one else eats it by the end of the day, I'm throwing it out.
So, I choose to be proud of what I accomplished instead of ashamed of what I didn't. It's not "okay" to eat pizza and ice cream all the time, but it's great that I stopped myself and cut back.
And guess what? When I got on the scale this morning, it read 151.6. That's down 2.6 pounds from my starting weight (154.2) yesterday.
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