Why I DON'T Want to Lose Weight

There are tons of reasons to lose weight. The list goes on forever: for health, for strength, for energy, for freedom from the urge to binge, to look better in your clothes and fit into smaller sizes, to be socially accepted, to get the hot girl or guy to notice you. I probably have a hundred reasons to lose weight, but the real problems I need to get past are the reasons why I DON'T want to lose weight.

That's right, being fat has some great benefits, and it's scary to let go of those as I see myself dropping pounds. These reasons are what keep the snack foods going into my mouth. These reasons are why the scale doesn't budge or, good heavens, goes UP when I think I'm trying so hard. I will never maintain a healthy weight unless I can let go of this stuff.

Here are the three biggest reasons I don't want to lose weight.

1. None of my clothes will fit.

Dropping ten or fifteen pounds will just make my uncomfortably tight clothes fit again, but what happens after that? What happens when I've lost thirty pounds and my pants puddle around my ankles while my shirts and dresses drown me?

I can't afford to buy a whole new wardrobe or even more than a couple quality staples. But let's be honest here: if I can afford pizza delivery two or three times a week and fast food or Starbucks every other night, I can sure as hell afford a handful of new (or used, for that matter) shirts and pants.

Still, it's going to be scary when my favorite outfits just won't fit anymore no matter what I do. I am worried about the cost involved, both financial and emotional. I am so used to hiding behind both my fat and my big baggy clothes, and soon I won't be able to do that anymore.

2. I can't binge anymore.

I know I will be able to fit in any particular treat I feel like once I have lost the weight. I can still have a Frappuccino as long as I order a small one with skim milk. I can have one or two slices of pizza. I can have a small order of fries.

But I won't be able to go nuts and eat everything in sight anymore. My stomach will simply not have the capacity to go to two or three fast food places in a row or eat a whole pan of brownies, and besides that, fresh veggies and fruit will have changed my tastes enough that I don't even want sugary, greasy foods.

This is terrifying because that means I will no longer have any way to get the pleasure of lazing around with all the food I want. I will no longer get that deep satisfaction of being full with so many yummy things. Or worse, I will have to find a different way to make myself happy.

The rational part of me knows that after I am done dropping the weight, I will stop needing the feelings that come from a binge. I'll break the habit. But every second along the way, I struggle with the thought that I may never feel that total relaxed happiness again.

3. I will have to remake my whole identity.

I've been fat or at least very chubby my entire life, from babyhood on. You know how I mentioned hiding behind my fat earlier? That's what I've done all these years instead of bothering to develop a real personality around everyone I know. I have few friends and many acquaintances, and they all know me as "the quiet, shy fat girl".

Part of me is excited about how confident and outgoing I'll feel when I am thinner, but I won't magically gain self-esteem just because I am thin. I'll have to work on it, and that means putting in time and taking risks. I will no longer have a safety net of fat as an excuse if I behave awkwardly in a social situation. I, instead of my fat, will be accountable for all my actions.

I don't just give up and binge because I'm lazy or lack willpower. I don't "forget" to exercise because I'm absentminded or slothful. Those can contribute to the problem, but in the end I have a good laundry list of issues that kick in when I'm feeling a craving and tell me I'd better eat up because I have plenty of good reasons to stay fat.

The difference between those times and now is that I recognize those voices for what they are. I know that my desire to be fit, healthy, confident, and attractive is greater than my fear of change and my lust for comfort.

I may not be perfect, I may give in sometimes, but I really understand what I'm up against now. I'm not just fighting against my fat body and tasty food. I'm fighting against me.

So, what's keeping you fat?